My sort of venting
by Ivan Rossiyskaya Federatsiya
Summary: Real life turned into a fanfic over a breakup and such, updated as new things happen. Suggestion of what for me to do is very much wanted.


This isn't really a story but at the same time it is. It's more like my life after Roxas left me but in a bad story form. With each new **IMPORTANT** thing that happens more will be added to the story until finally it's complete, suggestions for things you'd like me to try are really appreciated 'cause I want all the help I can get. Please if you do review don't say things like 'MAKE ROXAS GET TOGETHER WITH AXEL!' Because, of course, that's beyond my abilities since this is based on real life and I'm Axel I can't make Roxas get back together with me just like that without work and than it wouldn't really be the same would it? Anyway here it is short because only so many things happen and can be said in this type of format which, yes, sucks very very VERY much. Anyway enjoy I and no its not proof-read because I cried enough writing and I'd like to try not to cry again. Maybe when it's a less sensitive subject than I'll go back and check it, but not now. And thank you Mello, you know who you are, for being so nice and encouraging. I appreciate it very much and I can't thank you enough. If you ever need anything, i mean anything, tell me and you got it. If you don't read this than whenever I get back to 'Loves me not' I'll re-say this again,if however you do read it review so I know you did. Anyway I digress, here it is:

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><p><em>"What would you do if I left you?" Roxas asked sitting at the top of a slide with Axel, the latter on his knees at the top stair.<em>

"_I don't know…But I do know it wouldn't be pretty." He answered. _

_Roxas sighed and turned his back to Axel and went down the slide, Axel quickly followed and caught up with Roxas who had been walking away. _

"_You're planning on dumping me aren't you?" The red head asked sadly._

"_No. I'm just…The thing I'm afraid most of is you leaving me. I love you so much and I'd die without you."_

_Axel smiled and brightened as he did so, moving his hand to hold Roxas' as they walked over to Riku and his friend, both sitting on a table._

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><p>About a week later after the slide thing, Roxas left Axel. Didn't do it to him face to face or even himself, he got Riku to do it over Facebook. (AN: too lazy to come up with anything different than the real thing) Of course the red head was sad, past the point of sad. For a week straight he cried every night even at school or anywhere else. He knew more than they thought he did, he knew Roxas moved on to Sora close to a day after Roxas dumped Axel, he also knew they had gotten married thanks to his cousin telling him, his cousin learning from Demyx, and a few other things.

The name 'Roxas' made Axel fall apart as if on a command. The road to recovery usually requires friends and talking and things that Axel no longer had or could do. Who would he tell? His parents? They'd hate him and he'd be out on the street faster than you could say 'depression'. His small thing of friends consisted of Roxas himself, obviously gone to him, Riku, always with Roxas as if he didn't exist, Kairi, ignored him unless forced to do otherwise and Sora who he never saw anymore and he was an accidental pawn in getting him to date Roxas again, them having broke up sometime during Axel and Roxas' relationship, the beginning riddled with cheating on the blonde's part. Being torn up like Axel over a break-up was pathetic but their relationship was more than dating. They had their life planned out and were even engaged in a sort of way but it didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was Axel slowly dying while Roxas was married to Sora not even a week within the redhead and blonde's relationship.

'Everyone moved on so fast without me and didn't even look back… Was I so insignificant to begin with?' Axel found himself asking that question a thousand times a night, dwelling on every chance he could have got Roxas back but ignored them. He considered them as they came but never took them not for himself but for Roxas.

"_He keeps saying 'I miss Axel' all the time. All you have to do is say 'I'll love you forever' and it can be fixed." _ Riku had told him when he was doing one of his 'get them back together' things. Axel didn't take those chances because everything happens for a reason and if Roxas wanted it to be over he'd let it be so, if one day Roxas wanted him back he had no idea what he'd do but he doubted that would happen, 'If you love something let it go if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was.' He'd tell himself when he really wanted Roxas back. '_He'll lose interest or think you don't care about him' _A voice would taunt him, he ignored it but somewhere inside he knew it was true but for every action he did he had a reason and a plan. Roxas leaving drove him over the edge, everyone knew something was wrong and that he'd gone crazy, the ability to smile had also left him everything was forced and faked, he cried at every small thought that the blonde was in, memories once so beautiful and wonderful were tainted and ugly now.

'_It's worth it, every tear is worth the times we were together.' _ He'd say to himself and hold his head up high. _'You were happy and laughed and played with each other, now you cry alone.' _The voice sneered. _'8 years of happiness for the rest of a life of sadness. Fair trade.' _ Axel would shake his head at the voice. '_It won't be forever! It'll get better…' _He'd repeat hoping if he said it he'd begin to believe it.

He should have hated Roxas for everything, making him cry, driving him insane, making him lose everything and everyone, making him go to a therapist at school and making him take anti-depressants and worst of all breaking his heart into so many pieces when it wasn't even full to begin with, it had been broken and cracked when Roxas got to him, he fixed it and made Axel so happy when he was with him, the blonde dragging him from the brink of suicide and dropping him on his ass and breaking his heart again only with more breaks and cracks.

Axel found it funny how he could love Roxas with the little pieces of his heart, and how even though he broke it he knew Roxas was the only one who could fix it. He could pretend to be happy as he was doing now but he longed for real happiness again, to feel less fake, less dead. He had to lie to almost anyone who pretended to care about him, they saw him crying and asked what was wrong and he'd lie and say something odd like 'I bit my tongue' or 'I tripped and hurt myself.' They would all buy it like fools everyone but Kairi.

"Bullshit Axel. What the fuck is wrong?" She'd growl if he lied to her more than once. She knew him better than they did, but even she was gone, he assumed it was because of how pathetic he was. She was new in his life but stayed the longest after he was broke, everyone leaving for Roxas but she stayed until she couldn't take it anymore and left him alone too, replacing him with countless people and ignoring his presence unless one of her friends was with him than she'd pretend she was the good guy and that they were close.

Axel longed for Roxas to just say hi, even his presence no matter how far they were apart when Axel saw him or heard his voice his heart fluttered and he felt high and happy until he'd remember the bad and the depression would take over. Roxas was his poison, so intoxicating but more deadly than anything else on earth.

He sat and waited everyday for Roxas to come back to him or at least want to be his friend. Anything would work as long as his life had Roxas in it. He played scenes in his head of the future, how he would leave and years later he'd run into Roxas and the blonde would want him and love him again, these scenes would end with Axel either taking Roxas back or letting the blonde beg and cry but he would hurt Roxas like he hurt him years ago. More satisfaction coming from the first of the two oddly enough though. He loved the blonde and couldn't find the strength to live without him, he wanted to love him forever but stop hurting at the same time. So confused was Axel but he hoped that he'd know what to do soon. '_Every breakup is one step closer to ._' He'd reassure himself. But what if Roxas was his Mr. Right and he was supposed to fight for him?

'_He left you without a fight so why should you fight? Just give up.' _The voice would mock him in his ears.

…Maybe it had a point.


End file.
